A FAIRLY GREAT ADVENTURE

Every year I work at the Great New York State fair. Our radio station is there every day. And so am I. Over time, I somehow forgot to have fun while I’m there. So last year, I decided to make a conscious effort to enjoy more of what the fair has to offer. Spend some quality time, not working, but just hanging out as an average fairgoer. I bought a bunch of tickets, strapped on my hi-tops, knocked out my two front teeth and went off on a fair adventure.

What a feeling of freedom! As I strutted down the midway, it was as if I was drifting back in time. My Def Leppard painter cap on backwards, allowing me to believe I had all my hair back, and at the same time justifying the sizeable comb in the back pocket of my jams. I felt like I was back in the eighties. So naturally… I would start my journey at ‘the Himalaya’. A pretty basic ride, just a car that speeds forwards and then backwards, but all to the sweet rockin’ sounds of Bon Jovi and Cinderella. I was truly back in my element. At least I felt like I was. See, the line was pretty long, but when it came time to get on board, I ended up going as a single. I dunno why nobody wanted to ride with me, but I think it was due, in part, to the shirt I’d just purchased which in big letters reads “F.B.I.” I can understand how that might be intimidating. But had they only looked a little closer they would have seen that "F.B.I." actually stands for ‘Female Body Inspector’. Yeah, I know… pretty sweet. They were out of my size, so it was little tight, only adding to the mystique.

I had a blast. I really was starting to feel like a kid again, so much so, that I considered hitting the teacups, but given my rockin' outfit, I decided the bumper cars was more the place for me. Now I was really caught in a time warp. It was as if nothing had changed since I was eight years old. I got in my car, they turned on the juice, I put my peddle to the floor and ...nothin. I spent the next 3 minutes going, “Mister! Heeey Mister! My car’s busted! Miiiister!! So the guy comes over, straightens my steering wheel, gives me a push and… and WHIIIIIIIIR... “Hope you enjoyed the bumper cars. Please do not run while exiting the vehicles.” I was bawling on the inside.

Next I decided I might have some better luck at the games. That giddy feeling of reliving my childhood was starting to fade at this point. I was banking on the fact that I was now bigger and have marginally better aim. Sure enough I was soon the proud owner of a plastic bag with a goldfish inside. Feeling lucky, I then made my way to the game where the guy guesses things about you. I was on fire. The guy guessed I was ten years older and thirty pounds heavier than I actually am. Sweet. I win. It only cost me four bucks and I now had a stuffed goldfish to replace the real one, whose soul had recently left the bag I was still carrying around.

I decided now was a good time to fill my belly with some Giannelli. So I found a booth that looked particularly sanitary and got myself a sausage loaded with peppers and onions. It was delicious, but I spilled most of it on my new FBI shirt. I was a little bummed until I looked around and realized I wasn’t the only one with clothes soiled with fair eats. The guy next to me looked like he might go home and boil his shirt to make soup. So, I washed it all down with a foot long pizza frite and an onion blossom. Again I was off.

It was fun while it lasted, but I think from now on I’ll leave the midway to the younger crowd… if anybody needs me this year, I’ll be at the 93Q Boombox. …Or in the beer tent behind the burlesque show, having a cold one with Monkey Boy and the Bearded Lady.

OH, DEAR GOD… MY COMPUTER’S DOWN

I had a harrowing experience last night. I’m still a little out of sorts. I had to get caught up on some work, so I came in to the station around 10:30 or so. Nobody else was here, so I walked into my office and sat myself down. I figured before I got down to business I’d see what was in the headlines… check my email… the Knicks score… consider, then reconsider, looking at naked ladies… same old same old… I went to sign into my computer, like I always do, and nothing. I was staring at this serene picture of clouds floating by and the simple sentence, “WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN”. What? Who told it to do this? What do you mean it’s shutting down? And when will it again be open for business? ‘Cause i got important things to do. But nothing. It just sat there like that… and I just sat there like that… for, I’m guessing 20 minutes. Finally I realized it was going to be necessary for me to take some sort of decisive action. I slowly placed my 3 fingers over the Control, Alt, and Delete buttons, (to let the box know I meant business…) still, no reaction. So I pressed them! Again! …Nothing. Again! Nothing. Just those damn clouds floating by, and one of them seemed to take on the shape of middle finger, fully extended. Now, one thing I should tell you; I will not be abused by my screensaver… I knew what I had to do. I located the main button that shuts the whole thing and I pressed it. Reckless? Maybe. I live on the edge.

Everything started whirling to a stop and all the lights started blinking slower and slower and it got sooooo quiet. All of a sudden it was like I was sitting in my office for the first time. I started looking at all the pictures on the walls and the other various crap I see every day, but never notice.

It was very strange and after a minute I decided not to even turn the damn thing back on… Well okay, that’s a lie. I tried feverishly to turn it back on and couldn’t. Anyhow, I still arrived at the same place… complete and utter silence. It was absolutely amazing… for a minute. Then it got a little weird. I think God started talking to me. That’s when he gets you, y’know… when you’re all alone with no distractions…

“YOUR DOG’S BEEN ALONE IN THE HOUSE FOR EIGHT HOURS”…
“SAMPLING BULK CANDY IS STILL STEALING”…
“WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CALLED YOUR GRANDMA?”…

I was freakin’ out. I ran into the break room. And as I stood there with my ear pressed against the sweet hum of the soda machine, I learned something really important. And that is… Man, I really need vacation. I also learned my World is filled up with too many distractions. Silence should be commonplace. Welcomed, not feared. But mostly just that I need a vacation. Oh, and… God? Just in case you’re planning on coming along… I’ll have my laptop. So don’t try any funny stuff.