MEERKAT MANNERS

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone and used the opportunity to bring up something else they did a long time ago? Some past offense, maybe… insignificant at the time, so that you would’ve looked foolish if you said something. But it still sort of bugs you, so you throw it in there with whatever else they just did? I do this all the time and sometimes even I’m like, "Whoa! Where did that come from?” At my last job, the guy in the cubicle next to me would always finish the coffee and not make a fresh pot. One day I said something to him and he denied it. Before I knew it I was telling him to stop forwarding all those stupid emails and for Christ’s sake, wash his feet. It just kind of happened.

Sometimes it’s random, but other times it really does relate… or at least helps to establish a pattern. I was dating someone a while ago and we’d been seeing each other for about a month. Right at that point where you have a pretty good idea what the other person is all about and you have to decide, “Is this something I want to continue to pursue, err… No?” I was kinda leaning toward the latter and had a feeling she felt the same way. So we had dinner. To talk.

It was very civil. After all, we weren’t mad at each other. But after a few minutes, I couldn’t help but notice she was being kind of snotty to the waitress. I pointed this out and she didn’t appreciate it. She said, “Oh, so now I’m a bad person because I expect my water to be full?” And I said, “Y’know… it’s not just that. Do you remember… a couple weeks ago… when I wanted to watch that show on Meerkats?” She looked confused. So I said, “They look like prarie dogs, but their not? …Remember?” She just stared at me. She seemed at a loss for words. (Not that unusual, really, when you’re bringing up something the other person forgot about, ten seconds after it happened.) “Well, you could’ve just said you didn’t want to watch it,” I continued, “But instead you said ‘Oh, that’s stupid’. You remember? …That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

She glanced both ways and leaned forward in her chair. She seemed to be mulling over a few different responses, not sure if she should…

A) Try to steer the conversation back to the present.

B) Defend her comments regarding the Meerkat.

Or…

C) Focus solely on the insanity of my just bringing that up.

When she did speak, it was in a forced whisper, still in a forward leaning position. I was afraid she might blow out the candle. “You do realize how crazy it is that you just said that?” In fact, I did. Still, I would’ve liked to continue down that road, to justify my train of thought, if nothing else. I considered saying, “Let me tell you something… if wanting to be closer to our furry friends is wrong…” but I knew she was already thinking ‘big picture’. Our talk continued and we addressed every aspect of our short, ailing relationship. It was good that we were having this talk. It was necessary. And it was getting old fast.

Finally, we agreed it was time to wrap it up and get out of there. While I put my coat on, she was still saying, “You know, it’s really too bad we couldn’t better communicate.” … Or something. I don’t know. What was pretty clear was that she didn’t want to hear any more about Meerkats. I can tell you that much. All I could think about was how much cooler she’d be if she did. Then we could get a bottle of wine and chat about those little buddies. Fascinating animals, by the way. Meerkats. And social, which is nice. They’re also the only mammals, other than humans, that have been observed actively teaching their young. Yup, it’s true. The older ones teach the little ones… life lessons… like; I dunno… that it’s not smart to be mean to the person that brings your food, for example. Or that it’s important to share. Or that, every once in awhile… it’s really a good idea to wash your feet.

THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION

I won my Fantasy Football League at work. It just happened. And when I say, ‘just happened’, I mean as in, just recently… not ‘just sorta happened’. I didn’t wake up Monday to a surprise, like I had no control in the matter. Oh, no. I had absolute control. I had calculated, dogged, well thought out, determined, unwavering control. From the very beginning. Most days would find me at my desk, gauging match-ups, monitoring injuries, setting then resetting the lineup. And my efforts have payed off. To the tune of a hundred and fifty dollars. And seventy-five cents. Perhaps a less than monumental amount, to some. My boss, in fact, might lead you to believe it doesn’t nearly make up for the work hours lost. But it’s not about the money for me. Okay, it’s a little bit about the money. But mostly it’s about the prestige. I’m sitting a little higher in my chair today as I wait for the pats on the back and the congratulatory handshakes that will surely be coming my way. At some point. It’s early still.

Okay, it’s almost noon. I’ve been sitting here for like three hours and so far nobody’s come by to sing my praises. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to sit here and relish my victory, but would it kill them to stop by and let me gloat a little? I’m clearly going to have to leave my office to find the respect I deserve. First stop; the Break Room. Surely my prowess is already the subject of conversation around the water cooler. Think I’ll go grab me a little drink from that lovin’ cup. Make way for the Champion, Ladies and Gentleman, ‘cause here I come!

Did anyone see “Heroes” last night? What?! That’s what you people are talking about? You gotta be kidding me! You’ve got a real live Hero standing right next to you and all you can do is reminisce about some TV show? Life is happening all around you… (I’m clearly excelling at it) …and you’re not even noticing. Open your eyes, people. Smell the coffee. Proverbially, I mean. Not the actual stink in here.

That didn’t quite turn out as well as I’d hoped. Maybe I’ll go see who’s outside smoking. They’re bound to be talking about something good. …Yes!! They’re already talking sports. With a little nudge in the right direction, the conversation will naturally turn to football. And my uncanny managerial skills. Easy… easy… gotta drift into the conversation… Drop the hint. Subtle, yet firm… “Yeah, man, I hear you. Jets and Giants both in the playoffs? Never would’ve predicted that one… Not in my wildest fantasies… …Y’know? …fantasies… ‘bout football? …Anyone?”

I’m back in my office now, contemplating what the sign should say on my door. So far, I have OFFICE OF THE FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAMPION. HOMAGE MAY BE PAID DURING NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS OR BY APPOINTMENT. Any sense of humility has now gone out the window. I want to be acknowledged. I don’t even care if it comes in the form of resentment. I’ll be content to overhear grumblings. It’s the ignoring of my change in status that I can no longer accommodate. I’m now different than the rest of you. I’m sorry, but I am. I’m the winner, dammit.

All right, who the hell wrote all over my sign? I didn’t even notice the vandalism when I came back from lunch, which means all afternoon I’ve sat in an office with a sign that reads: HOMOS MAY BE LAID DURING NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS… That’s just not right. Is nothing sacred to these people? Whatever. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m special. If my Mom worked here, she’d remind me that you’re all just jealous, anyway. So I’m going to take my winnings and go home. Right after I hang up this new sign. It’s written in bold this time. And it’s laminated to prevent tampering. It’s quite impressive, actually. I’m sure by this time tomorrow, everybody’s going to be talking about it.