RESUMING THE EXCITEMENT
I’m thinking about taking another position here at the radio station and the head of that department asked me to put a resume together. So, as I sat down at my computer, I was recalling the last stime I went through this. It was a few years ago. I was living in Chicago. I woke up one morning, started to get ready for my dead-end job and knew it was time for a change. Time to take charge! Show a little ambition! …So I called in sick, made a pot of coffee, and sat down with the classified ads. Four hours later they wrapped up the Family Ties Marathon I’d stumbled upon, and I knew it was time to get down to business. I opened the paper and there it was! ‘Outside sales, guaranteed income’ …Hmmm… ‘No experience necessary’ …Ooooh, that’s so me... ‘Looking for highly motivated self-starter’ …Huh… hello?! They might as well put my picture in there… ‘Apply in person. No phone calls please.’ So I picked up the phone to find out more about this exciting opportunity. Two days later I was selling meat out of the back of a truck. True story. Gotta' create your own destiny.

So, anyway... Here I am again, putting together the ol’ resume. Always a harrowing experience for me. It’s like a trip down memory lane, just completely void of any sentimentality whatsoever.

Okay… EDUCATION. Now, if it’s your first job right out of college, your employer may want to see transcripts. But, I’ve been out of school for some time. At this point chances are slim that anybody’s going to want to see my report card, so I thought I might spice this up a bit. …Bachelor’s Degree in Communications… ummmm… working’ on my Masters, what the hell.

Okay… EXPERIENCE. Now, that’s not entirely accurate is it? …Since none of my experiences worth mentioning are going to help me get the job… how ‘bout WORK HISTORY? Yeah, I’m a little more comfortable with that.

Alrighty. Lesseee… 1989-1991… well, I made pizzas. That’s not gonna wow ‘em. “…Consistently created well-rounded sales approach, based on serving customers needs… and making change(s) as necessary, …in heated environment.” Ooh, that’s good.

Okay, from June 1st to June 8th of ‘91, that’s when I sold meat out of the back of a truck. Though clearly in need of embellishment, this one proved a little more difficult. I won’t even get into how I described that fiasco. Suffice to say the term, “Mobile Protein Distribution” was invented. And used. And so it went until I got to my current position, which I couldn’t sugarcoat too much, as the person reading it works in the office down the hall.

Next it was on to the section where you can list your personal attributes. I’ve always found it’s best to stick with the qualities in this section that endeared me to my kindergarten teacher. “I work well with others… good at picking up after myself… and I know how to separate work from playtime.”

So there it is, my life on one sheet of paper. Hope it does the trick. Oh, and by the way…? If anybody asks you if I have a pilot’s license… If you could say “Yeah” that’d be great, ‘cause I kinda put you down as a reference.