Listen
to
'Life of the Single Guy'
Thursdays
on
Movin' 100.3 & 96.5
Syracuse, NY |
|
|
|
THURSDAY
MAY 25, 2006 |
MY
LOCAL CELEBRITY LOVERS
I am currently involved in a kind of an…
‘Anything goes’, ‘No strings attached’,
highly experimental love affair with ‘Holly’
from those local ford commercials. Yeah, it’s
been going on for some time now. I’m also dating
‘Tina’, from the other car dealership (although
I haven’t really seen much of her lately), the
girl from the Metro Mattress commercials? …Yep.
I’m dating her too. And that cute new anchorwoman
on the news? ...The short one? She’s crazy about
me.
How in the world, Single Guy, do you have time for all
these local celebrity lovers, you ask? Well that’s
a good question… and I’ll tell you…
lucky for me, I’ve never actually met any of these
women, or I probably would have a scheduling nightmare
on my hands. This is not to say that my relationships
with them do not exist… but perhaps they are a
bit more one-sided than I led you to believe. So, when
people ask me, I say, ‘No, I’m not involved
with anyone at the moment.’ not in the traditional
sense, anyway.
I’m beginning to think this may have something
to do with the fact that I sit at home watching too
much TV. ‘No… that’s crazy talk’,
you say. But it’s true. I do watch a lot of television.
This is not to say it’s all time wasted. Lately,
I’ve been paying particular attention to commercials,
and I find some of them to be very motivational. Sometimes
I’ll just be sitting on my couch, not even realizing
I could be making better use of my time… and BAM!
In a span of like three minutes I’m reminded that
if I want to get anywhere I need to JUST DO IT…
TAKE LIFE BY THE HORNS… KNOW NO BOUNDARIES…
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX… BE AN ORIGINAL… BE
ALL I CAN BE AND I CAN HAVE IT MY WAY. Now, I may not
actually get off the couch, but I’m sure as hell
thinking about it.
Of course, there are some commercials that, although
I’m sure they mean well, don’t do anything
for me. They’re clearly designed for somebody
else. “Get M life?” Think I’ll keep
working on “A life” before I tackle anymore
of the alphabet, thank you very much.
There are definitely some commercials I’ve decided
to I’m better off steering clear of altogether.
If I hear… “Tired of not looking and feeling
your best?” I’m reaching for the clicker.
Any talk of follicles, any mention of male pattern anything,
and I’m gone. Yeah, that’s a big one for
me. If I even come to a channel with a guy in a swimming
pool or riding in a convertible, I don’t even
stop. He’s probably got great new hair, and I’m
not chancing it.
Seems like there’s lots of commercials for alcohol
on TV these days. Now they have all these hard alcohol
drinks out… they’re everywhere, which is
great. There’s nothing like sitting at home, knowing
you’re going to have to eventually address the
piece of pizza you just dropped on your sweatpants,
when a voice in the background says, “vodka. You’re
night just got a lot more interesting.” Well,
yes. That may be true. But before I know it, I’m
‘letting my Molson do the talking’, which
will only lead me back to where I started… trying
to decide which is the better option; making no money
down real estate millions from my own home, or enrolling
in tractor trailer school.
There are a few commercials out there, that’s
only purpose is to make the viewer feel good inside.
Those are the ones I choose to focus on. Mentos, for
example. Those are great. Why? ‘Cause I can relate
to them. I know people like that. Fresh… full
of life.
Regardless, it’s time for a change. I know it’s
May… but this is my new resolution. I’m
watching less TV from now on. I’m goin' out, I’m
doing things, I’m meeting people. Time to break
free from this fantasy world of television. It’s
a whole new me… no looking back… movin’
on… yep.
… Of course none of this is written in stone.
Holly – call me. I mean it.
|
THURSDAY
MAY 18, 2006 |
|
I really enjoy getting your emails. I really do. I look
forward to them. Sometimes people write to say I make
them laugh. Sometimes people write to tell me how I
could do something differently… and then I might
make them laugh. Some people write just to say “Hi!”
Some people even ask for dating advice. Which is curious,
as I haven’t demonstrated a whole lot of “know-how”
in that particular arena. Every once in awhile, though,
I get it right. Here is an excerpt from a recent exchange…
Dear
SG —A few months ago, I found out my
boyfriend was cheating on me. I broke it off and have
moved on. I met a new guy who is really great! But
now, my ex is calling me all the time and wants to
get back together. My new boyfriend is really great,
but I still have feelings. What should I do?
Signed—Big Hair in Baldwinsville
Dear
B’ville Bighead --Ahh, yes… the
old don’t know what you’ve got ‘till
it’s gone. Your ex is expressing a sentiment
that we can all relate to, and was probably best expressed
in a rockin’ power ballad by the band ‘Cinderella’
in the late eighties.
The fact is, dear listener, I think you’ll find
the answers to this, and almost all questions can
be found on the various albums put out between say…
1978 and 1991. You really need look no further. Does
your ex want you back? Of course he does! I’m
sure he can’t fight this feeling any longer!
Imean, you’ve got the look! You’re a beauty…you’re
one in a million girls. Hell… you’re once,
twice, three times a lady. Now, I know every rose
has its thorn, but it sounds to me like maybe this
ex-boyfriend of yours was a bit of an easy lover?
A smooth operator that was tempted by the fruit of
another? Sorry, but once bitten, twice shy, baby!
And on the other hand, it sounds like you’ve
got yourself a keeper in the new guy, anyhow. I’m
not saying you have to give up life in the fast lane
and do the safety dance. I know girls just want to
have fun, and naughty girls need love too, but you’ve
got to remember, love is a battlefield, and sometimes
love hurts, and it sounds to me like, even if it’s
not a total eclipse of the heart right off the bat,
this guy’s gonna keep on lovin’ you, time
after time, and you never know… one thing leads
to another… before you know it you’ll
be walking in sunshine and he’ll have you dancin’
on the ceiling, so let’s hear it for the boy
! I think you should take him with open arms and let
the good times roll. Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody…
Wang Chung, tonight. And as for the ex-boyfriend who’s
coming back around, I’d tell him, sorry, but
I’m all out of love. Tell him “sure…
you’ve got a friend, but is this burning an
eternal flame? Sorry, pal--I can’t go for that,
nooo-nooooo… no can do.”
If you are in need of your own pearls of wisdom, or
just want to say hello, please feel free to make your
way to the CONTACT
page of this site. Love those emails… puts the
Wind Beneath My Wings. No. Seriously… it does.
|
THURSDAY
MAY 11, 2006 |
A
DOG GONE CONSPIRACY
My dog has once again made a complete ass out of me.
I don’t know how this keeps happening. See, I’m
in the process of moving. I currently live on Tipp Hill
and in that area, a lot of homeowners don’t put
the apartment in the paper, they just stick a “FOR
RENT” sign in the window and people drive or walk
around to see what’s available. Such is the case
here. Well, I’m out at the end of the month, so
my landlord told me he’ll be showing it a lot,
beginning this weekend. Which means one has to keep
their place a lot tidier than they might otherwise.
I’m not a complete slob, but I don’t enjoy
cleaning. That, coupled with my notoriously week gag
reflex, means a lot of the nastier chores haven’t
been done in some time. So last night, I got out all
my cleaning supplies and I strapped on some rubber gloves
and I reluctantly went about scrubbing the bathroom.
Well, I get around to the toilet… I’m on
my hands and knees, and Sadie’s right there next
to me, like I’m down there having a party. Like
maybe the “drinking out of the toilet ban”
had finally been lifted. So, as I sometimes do, I started
making up songs and singing them to the dog to keep
my mind occupied with something other than the task
at hand. But it wasn’t entirely working, as the
reality of the toilet in front of me kept tripping the
gag reflex. The result ending up sounding something
like this… Oh
Sadie lady, you’re so sweet…
With your little black head and your big white feet…
(gag)
And at some point in the song I turned around and
Sadie was gone, so I thought I’d better go make
sure she wasn’t into the garbage or had to go
outside or something and I’m still singing and
gagging away.
Hey
Sadie Lady you’re so nice
I told you once and I’ll tell you twice
(gag)
I get into the living room and there’s Sadie,
wagging away at the front door, which I’d left
wide-open cause it was so nice out. Standing at the
screen door are three guys. I’m guessing college
students. And they’re looking at me and I’m
looking at them and I was like, “How you doin’?”
And they’re like “Ummm… pretty good,
man”
And so I said, “Can I help you?” And they
kind of thought about it for a second and then one
of them said, “No, that’s okay.”
And they left. And Sadie’s still wagging away
like nothing ever happened, and I’m like “You
couldn’t have barked or something? You understand
how this makes me look?” She didn’t care.
So I don’t know if we’ll ever get this
place rented. It’s not my fault. The toilet
is spotless. (Gag)
|
THURSDAY
MAY 05, 2006 |
PREPARATIONS… FINALLY
I’m in the process of moving. Now is a good time
to throw things away or replace things that need replacing.
Even little things. A month and a half ago, the top
on my toothpaste fell down the drain. I can still see
it in there, but believe me… I cannot get it out.
Not even with the other end of my toothbrush. Physically
impossible, and a maddening exercise. Believe me. Anyway,
without the top, the tube sometimes has a little gunk
on the end when I go to use it and I don’t like
that. So I decided to invest in a new tube, despite
the fact this one is still half full. Tough to transport
an open tube of toothpaste. Again, I recommend you take
my word for it.
So, off to the drugstore I go. I was hoping while I
was there I could address a couple other needs, too.
Namely, a slight problem I was encountering for the
first time. And the cure is… I mean, the treatment
is… errrrr… more of a… ‘preparation’…
really. I’m not proud of this; I’m just
giving you the facts. Although new to me, it’s
a pretty common problem. Seems like it would be simple
enough, right? Except for the fact that there’s
this really cute girl that works at the drugstore and
every time I go in there she’s working. She’s
very sweet and we always have a nice little exchange.
At which point, I abandon any hygiene products I’ve
picked up and leave with a pack of gum or a soda. Everytime.
…I walk in the front door, glance to the left…
“Hiiiiiiii. Great. How are you?” Dammit!
No odor eaters today. I’d rather suffer, man.
But on this particular day, I walk in to find a nice
little old lady behind the counter. I’m clear
to take care of business.
So, I grab one of those baskets, and I nonchalantly
make my… my… ‘Preparations’,
and I head over to the toothpaste aisle. I’m standing
there just contemplating the staggering advances in
toothpaste technology. Wow, the choices we now have.
I mean, the days of a little “brusha-brusha”
and hit the sack are long gone. It’s much more
advanced now. The one I’m leaning toward is ‘TOTAL
COMPLETE GEL WITH EXTRA WHITENING CRYSTALS.’ I
know how important it is to pick one that fights cavities,
gingivitis, plaque and tartar, while making my teeth
whiter and my breath smell nice. Hard to fathom a product
that can do all this at once. If only they had something
out there like this when I was growing up. …Oh
wait… they did! It was called toothpaste! You
know it’s things like this, making things way
more complicated than they have to be, that keep me
from getting in and out of the drug store in a timely
fashion and ruin my entire plan.
I grabbed a tube of toothpaste, threw it in the basket
with the… the… other “preparations”.
I’m standing at the register. I’m the only
person there, when I hear a familiar voice behind me
say, “Heeeey Noreen, sorry I’m late.”
I sensed a little switcheroo coming. I was like, “Noreen
– I’m kind of in a hurry…” Too
late. There’s my special cashier girl at the controls.
I don’t know why I didn’t just pretend I’d
forgotten something… I panicked. And I took the
toothpaste out and set the whole basket down on the
floor. Tried to shove it under the magazines or something…
I don’t know what I was thinking… all I
know is the object of my drugstore affections said,
“Oh, I can take that basket for you.” And
I was like, “What? No, I got it.” And she’s
so nice, she says, “Ooooh no, Pleeeze! I’ll
take it. I’ve got a bunch of them to put back
anyway.” I was like, “Ohmygod. I can’t
believe this is happening.” If there was a fire
alarm anywhere near me I would have pulled it. So I
hand here the basket and the stuff is right there, plain
as day. One of us is going to take it out of the basket.
So I do it At least I can turn it upside down or something…
and I swear to God, she scans the toothpaste, no problem.
My ‘preparations’ however would not be rung
up without a fight. She’s running it through over
and over, holding it up to look at the barcode…
she started punching in the numbers manually…
I just kept incoherently muttering things… “No…
no… I don’t really need it… forgetit…
it’s for my Grandma.” So, I got the stuff
and I’m feeling much better now, thank you, which
is good… because I can never, ever go in that
place again.
So, I guess it’s a good thing I’m moving.
New place, new drug store. I went in there the other
day. It’s perfect. Two old people run it. I don’t
find either of them remotely attractive and they’ve
got a great deal this week on Odor-Eaters. I’m
going to pick some up this afternoon. Y’know…
just in case. |
|
|
|
|
